Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for courage.
I will buy any crème, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the salt water off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgement slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an auto mobile that outlasts the payments.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.