Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the “American Dream” because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Whatever happened to “In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance.” So said Frederick the Great.

Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can’t think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

It’s called the American Dream, 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?