I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.
I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
A child needs your love the most when he deserves it least.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
She's as funny as a toothache.
There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.
Every puppy should have a boy.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-off at tedium and counter productivity.
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
Humour is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of surprises.
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.
My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.