I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Humor is reason gone mad.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
It isn't necessary to have relatives in kansas city in order to be unhappy.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.
When it comes to the pinch, human beings are heroic.
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.
Love never claims it ever gives.
Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.
Every formula of every religion has in this age of reason, to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
It may be possible to gild pure gold, but who can make his mother more beautiful?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.