I wish, I wish I were a poisonous bacterium.
Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.
It's not the tragedies that kill us; it's the messes.
All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
I'm not a writer with a drinking problem, i'm a drinker with a writing problem.
The two most beautiful words in the english language are 'cheque enclosed.
Her big heart did not, as is so sadly often the case, inhabit a big bosom.
Where's the man that could ease a heart like a satin gown?
She runs the gamut of emotions from a to b.
Living well is the best revenge.
You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.
But I don't give up; I forget why not.
A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.
Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
Women and elephants never forget.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.
Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time doth flit; oh shit.
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.
Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.
Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'no' in any of them.
And if my heart be scarred and burned,the safer, I, for all I learned.