All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
God created man, but I could do better.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Children make your life important.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.