My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
God created man, but I could do better.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Children make your life important.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.