My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.