My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.
Laugh now, cry later.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
If life is a bowl of cherries, what am i doing in the pits?
I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.
I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
A child needs your love the most when he deserves it least.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
She's as funny as a toothache.
There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.
Every puppy should have a boy.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-off at tedium and counter productivity.