A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.
Laugh now, cry later.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
If life is a bowl of cherries, what am i doing in the pits?