I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who may was.
My wife was afraid of the dark... Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; He exposes himself.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day i fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: That she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I found there was only one way to look thin: Hang out with fat people.