Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope
having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. the world is addicted to it.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the vatican has overlooked.
At the very least marriage is a miscarriage of expectation, at its worst a wrenching disappointment with destiny.
You just never know when and where to bite, blow, kiss, pat or rub. women should come with directions.
Women do not trust people of a foreign sex.
Camille and I do have many things in common besides our both being afraid of the children.
The experts on marriage, most of whom are divorced, like to say that marital fighting is good because it clears the air.
Through all the years of my marriage, my love for camille, like my stomach, has steadily grown.
In spite of what thomas jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
Any husband who says, "my wife and i are completely equal partners" is talking either about a law firm or a hand of bridge.
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.
If faces had been meant to kiss each other, they would not have been given noses.
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
she (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.
Gray hair is god's graffiti.
The heart of marriage is memories.