God created man, but I could do better.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
If life is a bowl of cherries, what am i doing in the pits?
I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
Every puppy should have a boy.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Intolerance betrays want of faith in one's cause.
Anger and intolerance are the twin enemies of correct understanding.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.