My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.
Working with bill cosby was incredible. I was lucky to be a part of that.
Behind every great man is no one. The woman is 3 steps ahead.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
I am proud to be an american. Because an american can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so i did my best to rewrite them.
Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
There is hope for the future because god has a sense of humor and we are funny to god.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.