If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
When humour goes, there goes civilization.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
Housework can kill you if done right.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.