Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the “American Dream” because you have to be asleep to believe it.
All music is the blues. All of it.
Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can’t think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light.
No one can look back on his school days and say with truth that they were altogether unhappy.
The very concept of objective truth is fading out of the world. lies will pass into history.
In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.